sparkly and tarnish

there are moments in my life, i specify my because i cannot purport to know what goes on in yours, but in my life, its basically a roller coaster ride...at first i used to ask, and wonder why it has to be so, and why almost everyone else has it seemingly smooth. i was in high school then, post high school i realised everyone has it shitty almost all the bloody time.

i am immensely blessed. i have a mother who would give an arm and a leg for me, the same arm and leg i would give mine to protect, so i figure, this little bubble my mummy and i have formed, is quite good to last me through the lifetime of crap that seems to be flung my way....by my own mind.

this roller coaster i mentioned, also happens to be in my head.

and here is the blessing...there are some rides i hear, that when you reach to the very top of it, before the damn thing drops, its all calmness, whistling winds and the type, except of course for your accelerated heart beat, and that is a moment of peace before the rush and the dread and the excitement. half my ride, it seems, is the fall. always the fall.. the climb to the top is so short, and sweet. imagine a lovely tea with chocolate eclairs kind of sweet...and then the sugar rush.....but before the sugar rush, there is that apex moment, of calmness...and dread, knowing its gonna fucking drop and you will be left whimpering in a corner.

you would think knowing this of yourself will make it easy...it does. here is why;

forever sorry for the over use of metaphors and the snotty fake English accent.

but we all know of hurricanes, and a vortex, yes...that...a whirlwind....we all know at the very center of it, is a calmness. while it rages, and rooftops are being blown off, people are getting blinded by the sand...you are safest at the center of it. i wish i could say in this likeness i am Storm, the goddess who controls the weathers, and in the midst of it all, she stands, hands raised, heart thumping, blood rushing...and she watches as the vortex swirls around her in destruction. but i fear i am not.

i wish i could also say i am jean, as she rises and becomes Phoenix...but we will see at the end of this if i am still standing...

but for now, in the center of this vortex, and at the top of the highest scariest roller coaster ride....i sit, have a cup of tea and treacle tart, bathed...immersed in silk and lace, perfect skin and freshly done nails... wine and heels that should cost what i am worth right now.
and i ride it out.

ta-ta sweethearts,
have an eclair..unless you are fat. you can eat a tampon like that girl on youtube.