A healing

Darling Lola,

i write this on a morning when my heart is heavy, for reasons i dare not think about. because they will crush me, so i am writing to you, to see if you are okay, where ever you will be, but i do hope it will be a Saturday morning like this, with a beautiful soul next to you, so tell me self,
how are you?have you survived? do you still want to live?
have you grown up?
how is your heart? is it still bruised? did you heal? did you figure out why you see dead people? why you dance with them?
i wish i could see you now, so you can tell me exactly how it is there. you know how much i hate surprises.
did we get that lovely bath tub we wanted? Victorian  claw foot tub, with a gold coated taps, you know which one, did we?

how many times have we tried to drown ourselves in it?
how many times have we soaked it with blood....red wine?
how many times have we cried in it?
pain? pleasure...ecstasy. oh my Lord the ecstasy in pain.

if you read this, it means you have not yet managed to fall off that cliff i keep toeing. do you hate me for it? do you hate me for what i have done to us? do you wish you could slap me, or spit in my face, for being so weak and so fragile...because if you have made it this far, it means you are a strong little cookie darling,
you haven't crumbled yet....i pity, and envy you at the same time.
did it finally get better? the voices in your head? do they like you now Lola?
do you think you are beautiful now? did you find the skeletons i am looking for? tell me they are beautiful...

i wonder....did you run away? like i say i will? or did i grow to be even more spineless and pitiful? did we convince ourself to stay? and take it? take it everyday? that we were growing stronger?

have you realised yet it does not get better?

have you found out what makes you so sad all the fucking time?

i am getting angry at you, for not taking that leap when you could.

so you survived
but i realised i shouldn't.

tell me, did we get married? are we so hopelessly in love? so magnificently, irrevocably in love? the kind of love we read about in a Judith Mcnaught book when we were sixteen and still believed?  i want to meet this person, who has made you forget that humans cannot be trusted, this person who has managed to do this to you...this person you haven't driven away on the brink of insanity, this person who has not been chocked, poisoned by what the meaning and depth of your emotions is. how long have you been married for? is she beautiful? i bet she is...is he dashing? i bet he wears chinos more than he wears jeans. i bet he makes a good ramen like that boy from that time you were happy.

does your breathing still stop everytime she smiles at you? did you convince her on that trip to actually marry you? how did that go? did she say more than just "okay" like you did in that bed with girl with the most beautiful laugh and the most enchanting eyes.
do you have that cosy little loft on top of the hill with a view?
do you have a balcony? oh how magnificent our nights must be, a tub, a balcony, a lover, and a glass of wine.

its only five years down the road, do you work so hard? do you love what you are doing? you better, i will hate it if we survived five years and you still work with Steve. i hope you quit at the end of this year. did you come into some money? do you still take reading classes with the children in the area? do you still write? have you published that book about that girl and that boy and the other boy on a tree?

i wonder what you look like, what you like to do now,
i hope you got better, and that you are not so sad almost all the time,
i pray there are no cliffs to dance on, and no corpses to smile at.
mostly, i pray you are healed.

love,
Broken Lola