ramble ramble

its one of those mornings, maybe its my toothache, maybe its the weird dreams i have been having, but its time,

the one thing i am most scared of, is pain. i admit to be one of those people who will over think shit. i will analyse, and nit pick at a situation before i put in...anything. its boring, its cautious....its safe. you do not get hurt like that. if you look at a situation, and decide, there is three to four percent chance of me being hurt, i walk away, and that has served me best in the past.
pain.
the thought of it makes my blood run cold.
it scares me.
i am not proud of this, but again, i accept, i cannot deal with emotional turmoil, which is odd, because i live to write angst. but i cannot, for the life of me take it.
at some point in my life, i was in therapy (please do not run away, despite my madness, for i am not sane, i feel i want you to know me) and my therapist put forth that maybe i am a perfectionist, if i cannot have the best of something, i will not have it at all, which, i must say was total hogwash. proof of is my battered heart and body. but to some extent, i must agree with her, if i cannot do something to the very best of my effort, it will kill me, but to myself, my efforts are never enough, so either way, i never win. and what a life that must be, where you always lose, against your family, your friends...and yourself.

that calmness i talked about two posts pasts, has passed it seems, because all i want to do is give up. i am ever so tired. physically, mentally, spiritually...or perhaps its my tooth ache speaking.

but i am tired.

and it seems so is everyone in my life. everywhere i turn, someone is hurting somewhere. and it really sucks, and i wish i could help, heal, for that is what i am named.

i have digressed so much, i cannot even remember why i started this.

i should be in bed, with this amazing girl, but i can't.
its all about assessing the situation no?
so here i sit, and make the dumbest decision of my life,