boom boom boom

there's something to be said about loneliness, it sneaks up on you..
you're in a crowd of people, laughing, drinking, getting high...its late...and you wonder how it feels to have someone at home waiting for...and the minute ur walking home, in the cold, with a cigarette between your fingers...it becomes oppressive...it chokes, and suddenly you dont wanna go home, so you turn around, and go to a pub..order a pint, perhaps two, something that will make you pass out on your cozy couch

but then you wake up, and its a cold day when you don't have someone who puts the coffee on when you are late, you have no one to pull up the blanket on your sleeping form. loneliness settles in again, when the silence you usually craves becomes a bit too loud, you hear your heartbeat, you hear every breath that falls from your lips, nose, you hear the clock tick...the sound of the refrigerator running...it will have to be enough...its too early for you to think about it...you are happy...you have no one to nag you about the way you arrange your books. you look out your window to see a day bleaker than the turmoil in your bones. you turn away from the reality of it all

make a cup of coffee...light a cigarette, and dammit if doesn't feel good not to have someone complain about cancer.. you smoke a whole packet to celebrate.
its not a weekend, you have a job, there's no need for loneliness and financial woes, that's a sure ticket to depression, and that's a place you don't miss. besides, it's always better when you have money to drink away the shadows on your wall...drink to oblivion...enable the cancer that is slowly eating your lungs out. urgh, you turn away from such maudlin thoughts, you are perfectly healthy.
you get to work, bury yourself in paperwork.  you have no idea what you are filing, you just know it needs filing, even though it's not in your job description to file. the routine, keeps your mind off your empty apartment, off the zero texts and missed calls on your phone. dammit

it's lunch time when she calls,
"lets do lunch darling, i miss you"
"sorry, already made plans"
you did, make plans....that include half a packet of cigarettes, a bottle of water and your twitter account.
some might say you do nothing to ease your loneliness, you scoff, because really, what do they know?
you don't want to surround by people you can barely tolerate, people to fill in the din in the air...no, if you want to talk, if you need company you know who to call.
pull out phone,
" i fucking miss you"
silence
"yeah?"
"yeah"
"where the fuck have you been then?"
"i needed to think....or something."
"fucking wanker"
"yeah"
"i love you, you know"
"i know"
end the call...smile...take your bag and leave...he waits for you downstairs, pretends to scowl.
you laugh, and his scowl deepens, but you see his lip twitching.
you stand a meter away, you can touch him if you want, but you don't.
"how have you been"
you frown, that's not what you want.
"fuck sake Lola, how have you been"
he is angry, he never gets angry. you look up at him, hoping to God you don't fucking cry, because really, its been a shite three weeks. but you smile.
"its been tough, i miss you."
"you fucking kicked me out"
you wince
"don't curse"
he growls...you laugh
"boo. you know i didn't mean it."
"you never mean it' that's the problem you hellish bitch."
you laugh again, u miss him, with his messed up morals, he wont stand for you smoking, but the wine is on his tab

"i can't kick you out if you don't live with me in the first place"
he smiles...
"true, so...coffee? i know you didn't have any today. you look like hell"
"thank you, so do you."

silence...its comfortable, you like it.
its messed up your relationship,
you don't understand it yourself...
you love him...might have been in love with him in the beginning. he loves you, might have been in love with you in the beginning. but this is neither the beginning nor the end...and that's okay really, because this is way better than awkward fumbling when his girlfriend is not looking. and its way better than the bitter future that may have been if you had tried to be more than friends....because really, its the forever that matters...and you both know you would rather have forever, with its explosive fights, drunken nights, coffee breaks, rough break ups, hospitals...than a year of the best sex you might ever have,...because really, isn't that the difference?  you get the cuddles, and the missed calls..you get the flowers, and the fights, and the jealous outbursts, just like a couple would...you don't have sex...you have forever...and while there is still silence waiting for you at home, shadows on your wall..and a cold bed...you have the best man in the world to curse and bring you coffee, to call when you have a nervous breakdown before a presentation..and surely that's okay