beer can, stars and jeffery campbells

There is absolutely nothing in this world that could happen right now, that would kill her..absolutely nothing.. she has saved herself a particular light at the end of this tunnel she cannot miss on.

That is why its okay when she gets news from home that her grandpa just passed away. she knows she wont go for the funeral, no, no one should see her, and that's okay too.

she almost breaks when she realizes she is failing her classes.because really, there is nothing she is more passionate about than her course. but the evidence is there...its been a while since she has seen a good grade, and the realization that she only has one more year to go is a little scary. she doesn't wanna think about it, its just too disheartening...brings back the thoughts of running away...again, maybe to Bali, they have a lot of sun there..maybe she could take up teaching at a local school, she laughs at herself for these thoughts...she can't run away this time...she just cant. it won't change the fact that she failed...again. when she could have put in just a little more effort.

its Wednesday when she remembers she is poor. when she has no food or drinking water at her little apartment..but that's okay...she isn't gaining any weight...she has no problem with that...even when she proceeds to walk for a whole hour to get to school, its okay....

its also okay when she gets to school and she finds that she has missed a paper for her midterms. she cries in the bathroom because she wonders why life just wont cut her some bloody slack. she asks for a day for lounging and hot tea in her chaise...she gives herself a day off...to sleep and do assignments and clean around the house...she wonders where her friends...and lovers have been.

on Thursday she cries again as her landlord comes to evict her...really now, whats the use of trying...she begs and pleads because, she would do anything anything to keep her flat...its okay when she has no food, or transport...but she needs a place to hide out, when everything is crashing around her, and she has nowhere, and nothing else holding her together. she misses the love of her life...it was better to be broke when you have someone holding you..she cant possibly call him..her heart would give out. so she scrapes the little saving she has from her school account, pays for two months rent...she would worry about the other two months next time the landlord comes around with a padlock the size of cat's head..right now she needs a cigarette....and she remembers, while watching the smoke above her head...that his week wont end so bad.

she doesn't have a class on Friday, her sister, the mainstream one, married, with a kid...calls her for lunch...she says no, she insists, her little nephew wants to see her...anything for him. everything if she could afford it. same questions,
"are you okay"
"yeah"
"you need money"
"no"
sigh.
smile.
"lunch?"
"i ate"
its a lie, they both know it.
they both drop it,
take a walk at the pier, keeping a close eye on the kid, as he chases after the sea gulls.
"we miss you"
silence
"come home"
"the semester is almost over."
"will you come"
no.
"we'll see"
"are you coming for the funeral"
"no.exams"
sigh.
"he misses you..don't you baby?" she coos a him. he beams
"i stay with auntie?sleepover?"
"you can't honey, aunty has school. she will come next week?"
its a question...yes. anything for him.

she leaves, hands her money she doesn't try to refuse.she has grocery

she has dinner.
spend Friday night curled up watching old James Bond movies.

Finally,its here...Saturday...the day that has, for all intents and purposes, been the beacon of her week...only because she has a can of beer she has been saving for a week. she weighs herself..surprised and disgusted that she has managed to gain 7lbs when she should have been too broke to afford food.. she tries not think about it...she's better now...she has coffee and a banana...goes out for her Saturday class

it amazing what a good pair of shoes does to a person.
Lita. Jeffrey Campbell. thigh high black stockings. dress, denim, kappa. she feels like sex personified, when she doesn't think of the weight she has put on. it won't do her any good. plus, she is better now.
men cat call..she blows a kiss, lights a cigarette...knows its almost over.

she doesn't know how she will survive next week, she doesn't wanna think about it, really...maybe she will find another oasis, in this desert, lip chaffing vastness that has become he life..she does not know if she will survive, surely.....but she knows tonight,  she is saved.

when she spreads out her blanket in the middle of the night..on the patch of grass behind her building...smokes a bowl...watches the moon, the largest full moon of the century, the television guy says apparently... and takes out her can of beer, cigarettes and gazes at the stars.nothing else will matter...just her, the almost whispers of the voices in her head..her can of beer...and the twinkling stars..she doesn't question their presence, their meaning, there will be time for that. not tonight...tonight, the light at the end of her tunnel lies in a green chilled can and a pack of Marlboro and of course, that is okay.