sluggies bunnies and BAMFs

my internet personality is so shiny and amazing...but in real life i have the appeal of a flober worm...my social life is purely in my head...you would think am joking, but no...not really...and don't worry, this is not a pity party post...its not that time of the month yet. booyah
after establishing that...i should also warn you that this post is as a result of two hours of International Humanitarian Law. basically, might be a shite post. 
on and on...
everyone goes through that phase in life, where you feel like a superhero, like, you are so fucking awesome, what? there is always something to do when you turn...phone is ringing off the hook, potential coital partners all corners of the world...like really...you could snog anyone during this time and you KNOW they'd let you because for some reason...you are a cross between sexy beast and bad ass motherfucker...

and that's perfectly fineee. 
then enters those days when you feel like the slugs pouring out of Ron's Weasley mouth in Chamber of Secrets...or worse...gods you feel so blue, so gross, so aesthetically unappealing you dont even wanna see your reflection in the bloody mirror...because suddenly, no amount of concealer hides the fact that you have six...SIX different pigments on your face...who has that???? well today its you.. and all you wanna do is laze around on the couch in your jammies, a stupid kid's show...or perhaps its time to learn how to fucking knit...or something equally as useless like learn the rules of football.
..then...for others...there are those days you feel like this

who am i?where am i? why am i here? 
those days where you are sooo fucking bored out of your mind...you eat, have a wank, have a shower, wank, eat, have a shower, wank,....oh shuush don't act like you dont do it...Jesus sees you!!!!


for some, mainly me, and my somewhat surprisingly close group of friends...the days where you get utterly bored are more frequent than should be possible...jeez...


and here is my remedy...and it works for me...


check it out on my next post... ;)
 
 

boom boom boom

there's something to be said about loneliness, it sneaks up on you..
you're in a crowd of people, laughing, drinking, getting high...its late...and you wonder how it feels to have someone at home waiting for...and the minute ur walking home, in the cold, with a cigarette between your fingers...it becomes oppressive...it chokes, and suddenly you dont wanna go home, so you turn around, and go to a pub..order a pint, perhaps two, something that will make you pass out on your cozy couch

but then you wake up, and its a cold day when you don't have someone who puts the coffee on when you are late, you have no one to pull up the blanket on your sleeping form. loneliness settles in again, when the silence you usually craves becomes a bit too loud, you hear your heartbeat, you hear every breath that falls from your lips, nose, you hear the clock tick...the sound of the refrigerator running...it will have to be enough...its too early for you to think about it...you are happy...you have no one to nag you about the way you arrange your books. you look out your window to see a day bleaker than the turmoil in your bones. you turn away from the reality of it all

make a cup of coffee...light a cigarette, and dammit if doesn't feel good not to have someone complain about cancer.. you smoke a whole packet to celebrate.
its not a weekend, you have a job, there's no need for loneliness and financial woes, that's a sure ticket to depression, and that's a place you don't miss. besides, it's always better when you have money to drink away the shadows on your wall...drink to oblivion...enable the cancer that is slowly eating your lungs out. urgh, you turn away from such maudlin thoughts, you are perfectly healthy.
you get to work, bury yourself in paperwork.  you have no idea what you are filing, you just know it needs filing, even though it's not in your job description to file. the routine, keeps your mind off your empty apartment, off the zero texts and missed calls on your phone. dammit

it's lunch time when she calls,
"lets do lunch darling, i miss you"
"sorry, already made plans"
you did, make plans....that include half a packet of cigarettes, a bottle of water and your twitter account.
some might say you do nothing to ease your loneliness, you scoff, because really, what do they know?
you don't want to surround by people you can barely tolerate, people to fill in the din in the air...no, if you want to talk, if you need company you know who to call.
pull out phone,
" i fucking miss you"
silence
"yeah?"
"yeah"
"where the fuck have you been then?"
"i needed to think....or something."
"fucking wanker"
"yeah"
"i love you, you know"
"i know"
end the call...smile...take your bag and leave...he waits for you downstairs, pretends to scowl.
you laugh, and his scowl deepens, but you see his lip twitching.
you stand a meter away, you can touch him if you want, but you don't.
"how have you been"
you frown, that's not what you want.
"fuck sake Lola, how have you been"
he is angry, he never gets angry. you look up at him, hoping to God you don't fucking cry, because really, its been a shite three weeks. but you smile.
"its been tough, i miss you."
"you fucking kicked me out"
you wince
"don't curse"
he growls...you laugh
"boo. you know i didn't mean it."
"you never mean it' that's the problem you hellish bitch."
you laugh again, u miss him, with his messed up morals, he wont stand for you smoking, but the wine is on his tab

"i can't kick you out if you don't live with me in the first place"
he smiles...
"true, so...coffee? i know you didn't have any today. you look like hell"
"thank you, so do you."

silence...its comfortable, you like it.
its messed up your relationship,
you don't understand it yourself...
you love him...might have been in love with him in the beginning. he loves you, might have been in love with you in the beginning. but this is neither the beginning nor the end...and that's okay really, because this is way better than awkward fumbling when his girlfriend is not looking. and its way better than the bitter future that may have been if you had tried to be more than friends....because really, its the forever that matters...and you both know you would rather have forever, with its explosive fights, drunken nights, coffee breaks, rough break ups, hospitals...than a year of the best sex you might ever have,...because really, isn't that the difference?  you get the cuddles, and the missed calls..you get the flowers, and the fights, and the jealous outbursts, just like a couple would...you don't have sex...you have forever...and while there is still silence waiting for you at home, shadows on your wall..and a cold bed...you have the best man in the world to curse and bring you coffee, to call when you have a nervous breakdown before a presentation..and surely that's okay

explanations, running away

This is a little bit of a sinful break am taking for doing some work for my group discussion....
i have no post in mind however....just that...i had to do a little bit of asking people to read my blog..which i immediately regretted if i go by the furtive glance my friends are throwing me. so yeah...just might change the url to this blog...like i had to change the url  to my other private blog countless of times.. someone told me, when i shared the link to the blog, that she felt honored because my blogs were like exclusive membership clubs, where no amount of begging, or tit flashing, would let you in...she then proceeded to offer some tit flashing when we next meet, to show me her gratitude...i find i don't mind sharing my thoughts if that's how I'll be thanked..needless to say...its really stupid and shallow, and what makes it even worse, like in a sad pathetic way, that its true..my thoughts are my own, and every piece i might write, fiction or not, will have something a little bit raw, a little bit different, a little piece of me... i cannot even begin to explain how painful it is to breath every time i press the publish button..my heart is usually screaming, the little voice in my head is usually so eerily silent...and i know i might have made a mistake...because this particular voice never fails to express itself...normally in a voice that suspiciously sounds like Draco Malfoy's when he said " wait until my father hears about this"
..by the by...i should explain, maybe i will in my profile (FINALLY) that i might be a little crazy....
and hope my friends...acquaintances...etc...if they ever come across this blog after i change the stupid URL, like really, wtf is soshesa anyways?, won't be too shocked...who am i kidding...the little they know shocks them to no ends...a fact i am proud of if am honest...because y'all need that one mentally unstable friend, with a penchant for drama and trouble.
also...shout out to my first follower on this blog...remember...we are all crazy...we just pick our own sicknesses. ciao

a little bit of salsa

I love to cook...my background allows me to grow up surrounded by amazing cooks...my mum has two sisters, and at every gathering...we get treated to a specialties... my older aunt and mum for their curries, my younger aunt for her baking...
i don't know what i specialize in really...i love to bake...to roast, to fry...not very partial to fried foods...
anyway...i stopped eating meat last year...but only recently labeled it as vegetarian...i hate labels...what is that word, that describes someone who doesn't eat meat, but doesn't mind having animal produce? oh don't get me wrong...it has nothing to do with animal rights and shit...i don't really care about human beings, why would i care about animals...(even as i say this, my blood curls, thinking of pain...thank you, darling ex for making me susceptible to animal suffering...when you introduced me to that furry little green eyed kitten *sniff*)

anyway, this post, is about a favorite recipe of mine i wanted to share...call it whatever you want...you can have it alone, or with something...as breakfast, or a snack...introducing my own version of the Mexican omelette...now, my mother and i disagree on the contents of this dish...but like i said...own recipe..

Lola's Vegetarian Mexican Omelette
..you can play around with this recipe..sometimes i add milk and cheese, sometimes i don't...for non vegetarian...you can add bacon, ham, turkey...anything really...

Ingredients
1- eggs...i use two egg whites, lesser calories..serves two, or one, depending on what you want really.
2-milk...optional
3-cheddar cheese..optional
4- veggies...no really...have anything you want here...my personal favorite is a whole tomato-it adds to the flavor...and it's soo succulent.., qtr a red n green bell paper, spring/white onion, parsley, and a mushroom.
5-avocado
6-salt and black pepper, oregano and basil
so this is what i do..

mix the first two ingredients...you can mix the third in if you like, but i like my veggies still succulent, and you don't get that when you cook too much.
anyway...so i whip up my egg whites, with the salt and black pepper...i like mine spicy,(for those who use milk, maybe like two-three tablespoons of milk...you don't your omelette runny)
heet your pan/skillet with oil...for those watching your weight, half a tspn is enough..only 30 cals...but if you have the olive oil spray...spritz away...even ten spritz...16cals.
make sure your other ingredients are chopped up and mixed up...personally, i mix everything up then 'marinate' them in basil, oregano and marjoram and refrigerate for ten minutes...you can add chillies, if you like extra extra hot)

when your skillet has heated up...pour in  the egg...spread it around real good...even when it starts to stick...it can cover at least a six inch diameter pan...
then...take your veggies...and spread them on one HALF of the egg...repeat...one HALF...let the egg cook..be careful it doesn't burn.. if you like your eggs easy made like me...just two seconds on the egg is okay...but if not...you are better off mixing all the ingredients before hand..
then you sprinkle out the shredded cheddar cheese, on top of the veggies...a tablespoon is enough...and its optional...still for flavour, no less than ten cals...its somewhat worth it.
after the cheddar...flip the other half of the omelette on to the veggies...like an egg taco..
the tricky bit is to get it off the frying pan onto your plate...but you get it after a few tries...and its easier with a spatula...

for the last twist...chop up your avocado slice on top of the omelette...when you do that you might wanna have it for lunch because of the avocado calories...or maybe brunch...

when i have it for lunch i usually loooove stuffing it into a pitta pocket( 65 kes at nakumatt for three pockets) with iceberg lettuce and a dash of Tabasco..

the omelette alone with my recipe, minus the avocado and milk..is like 120 cals...plus the cheddar.
plus the avocado, with yolk...looking at 400 calories.

enjoy.

beer can, stars and jeffery campbells

There is absolutely nothing in this world that could happen right now, that would kill her..absolutely nothing.. she has saved herself a particular light at the end of this tunnel she cannot miss on.

That is why its okay when she gets news from home that her grandpa just passed away. she knows she wont go for the funeral, no, no one should see her, and that's okay too.

she almost breaks when she realizes she is failing her classes.because really, there is nothing she is more passionate about than her course. but the evidence is there...its been a while since she has seen a good grade, and the realization that she only has one more year to go is a little scary. she doesn't wanna think about it, its just too disheartening...brings back the thoughts of running away...again, maybe to Bali, they have a lot of sun there..maybe she could take up teaching at a local school, she laughs at herself for these thoughts...she can't run away this time...she just cant. it won't change the fact that she failed...again. when she could have put in just a little more effort.

its Wednesday when she remembers she is poor. when she has no food or drinking water at her little apartment..but that's okay...she isn't gaining any weight...she has no problem with that...even when she proceeds to walk for a whole hour to get to school, its okay....

its also okay when she gets to school and she finds that she has missed a paper for her midterms. she cries in the bathroom because she wonders why life just wont cut her some bloody slack. she asks for a day for lounging and hot tea in her chaise...she gives herself a day off...to sleep and do assignments and clean around the house...she wonders where her friends...and lovers have been.

on Thursday she cries again as her landlord comes to evict her...really now, whats the use of trying...she begs and pleads because, she would do anything anything to keep her flat...its okay when she has no food, or transport...but she needs a place to hide out, when everything is crashing around her, and she has nowhere, and nothing else holding her together. she misses the love of her life...it was better to be broke when you have someone holding you..she cant possibly call him..her heart would give out. so she scrapes the little saving she has from her school account, pays for two months rent...she would worry about the other two months next time the landlord comes around with a padlock the size of cat's head..right now she needs a cigarette....and she remembers, while watching the smoke above her head...that his week wont end so bad.

she doesn't have a class on Friday, her sister, the mainstream one, married, with a kid...calls her for lunch...she says no, she insists, her little nephew wants to see her...anything for him. everything if she could afford it. same questions,
"are you okay"
"yeah"
"you need money"
"no"
sigh.
smile.
"lunch?"
"i ate"
its a lie, they both know it.
they both drop it,
take a walk at the pier, keeping a close eye on the kid, as he chases after the sea gulls.
"we miss you"
silence
"come home"
"the semester is almost over."
"will you come"
no.
"we'll see"
"are you coming for the funeral"
"no.exams"
sigh.
"he misses you..don't you baby?" she coos a him. he beams
"i stay with auntie?sleepover?"
"you can't honey, aunty has school. she will come next week?"
its a question...yes. anything for him.

she leaves, hands her money she doesn't try to refuse.she has grocery

she has dinner.
spend Friday night curled up watching old James Bond movies.

Finally,its here...Saturday...the day that has, for all intents and purposes, been the beacon of her week...only because she has a can of beer she has been saving for a week. she weighs herself..surprised and disgusted that she has managed to gain 7lbs when she should have been too broke to afford food.. she tries not think about it...she's better now...she has coffee and a banana...goes out for her Saturday class

it amazing what a good pair of shoes does to a person.
Lita. Jeffrey Campbell. thigh high black stockings. dress, denim, kappa. she feels like sex personified, when she doesn't think of the weight she has put on. it won't do her any good. plus, she is better now.
men cat call..she blows a kiss, lights a cigarette...knows its almost over.

she doesn't know how she will survive next week, she doesn't wanna think about it, really...maybe she will find another oasis, in this desert, lip chaffing vastness that has become he life..she does not know if she will survive, surely.....but she knows tonight,  she is saved.

when she spreads out her blanket in the middle of the night..on the patch of grass behind her building...smokes a bowl...watches the moon, the largest full moon of the century, the television guy says apparently... and takes out her can of beer, cigarettes and gazes at the stars.nothing else will matter...just her, the almost whispers of the voices in her head..her can of beer...and the twinkling stars..she doesn't question their presence, their meaning, there will be time for that. not tonight...tonight, the light at the end of her tunnel lies in a green chilled can and a pack of Marlboro and of course, that is okay.

love me, love me, baby

this girl i want,....i don't know if she wants me too...yet,
i don't really have the courage to find out, hell i don't even know her name, or what she looks like like
even when i am not sure she exists,
i just know that...
she makes my heart flutter,
when she smiles like that,
as if i am the cleverest person in the room,
when sh knows for sure that,
i am the most socially inept duck in the friggin pond,

this girl i like,has the sharpest wit,
meets me par for par, keeps up with my fluency in sarcasm, and thinly veiled insults at everything that is not her...and perhaps her at times,
doesn't back down this one, when am out for blood, and the only way i know how to get that is by verbal shredding...she is so dainty, so soft...you would think she would be afraid
we go on and on,
leaves me to wonder how else i can use that..
wonder how well she gives orders...in the dark, 

do not judge me...it would be a lie if i declared that i haven't thought of her in one of my button down shirts...making that cup of coffee, knowing what we did last night...what she did

she is the type who  makes me blush across a candlelit table,
winks at me over her wine glass..
plays footsie with me beneath the table...
all smooth silk stockings and whatnot,
making it hard for me to hold polite conversations with friends
making me want her against the bathroom wall, her legs around my waist, her hot breath in my ear
as she comes undone, apart, around my fingers

but she also holds my hand when no one is watching, giggles in mischief when she copes a grope on a queue at a coffee shop
and points and whispers with me at the abominable fashion tastes, of that girl...and good Lord, where did she get off wearing those pants
she is a keeper no?

what? not yet convinced? i don't care...am just letting you know..

what this girl does to me.. has me eating,
from the palm of her hand...
the hand she lets me hold,
the hand that reaches out across the be to hold on to after the filthy things said hand has done

when she wakes me up with kisses,
and sighs,
moans,
groans,
demands,
begging...
more..please...more

then she rushes off to take over the world...
in her skirt, heels..
in her coat, leggings, boots,
in her gardening gear,
in her messy bun and sweatpants..
it doesn't matter to her...or me...that she may not really be allowed in public in a skirt so short

no...that is not why...
not why i want her,
like her,
love her...? perhaps

its when she knows,
and doesn't mind,

that she is mine.