life in technicolour

its so bright, inside your head, the colours are so bright.
you wish it was the good kind of bright, but its not, it blinds you, and everything is moving too fast
and you can't see straight, you can't concentrate.
life in technicolour

it makes you dizzy, and you feel like you constantly want to throw up.

you walk down the street during the day, wait what? how can it be you walking?
but it is you, you see yourself, haha, this is insane, you are insane, but there you are, walking down the street, but not quite walking down the street. but walking down the street.

or it looks like you.

you walk side by side with yourself. you know where you are meant to be going. how you know this, you dont fucking know, you just know you are about to....sneeze right now. and somehow you just stopped. you dont know why either.

you hate it when this happens so suddenly. it was okay an hour ago, you know your name, you know the colour of your eyes, you know how much you weigh. you know that you have just eaten.
but here you are, you don't quite know why you are full, and why does your skin feel so strange, why is it tingly/
"when this happens to you, am going to ask you to try not to panic" they said.

BUT HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT PANIC WHEN YOU ARE LOSING YOUR BODY??

somehow you are walking faster.
'stop'
faster
'no'
faster
'please'
and you get home. and no. you are still not you.
no one is home yet. its so eerily quiet the realization that its not you walking to the bathroom hits you harder.
why are you taking that bottle of pills?
stop
stop
'its okay' the other one says, 'we will make it stop' she whispers
then she takes a pill.
'it didnt work'
'you lied'
  and you dont know why you are taking another pill. but the prickly feeling in your skin won't stop.

try to breathe. you cant, because he is doing it.

and you dont know how to breathe.
and you want to feel.
and you need to feel anything beside the blood beneath the skin that is not yours.


and your phone rings, and you watch yourself pick it up.

'remember to breathe'
the reminder says
'band practice in ten minutes'
and somehow a thrill goes through your spine. YOUR spine.
oh.
okay.
'good thing you hid those blades idiot'
you laugh.
OH.
and you know its YOU laughing, because you can feel the tears falling down,
and you're crying, and laughing, and you must look half mad standing in the tub laughing and crying at the same time, but you wouldn't know because you can't see it.
so you breathe.




for Rikku