Elusive Light, Elusive Darkness. of wishes and wizards

when the day is bright, so bright infact, you need a pair of sunnies to block that harsh glare from the sun,

and automatically, it is somehow a sign of life. you think that maybe, its because you hate the dark, or is it all of mankind? all these little sayings and anecdotes that have been thrown around for years and years, 

"its always darkest before the dawn"

 you wish everyday, that when you woke up, its a little bit brighter.

but all that surrounds you is darkness. not pitch black, that, you feel would have been way better, when its dark, you stay put, everyone stays put, its over, its dark. the silence and the mood, is peaceful. the kind of darkness that sleep doesn't provide anymore. the kind of darkness that you feel needs no music to set a tone..the kind of darkness where everyone leaves you alone. the kind of darkness only death will bring it seems.

..no, the darkness that surrounds you is a shade that reminds you of wispy fog. and everyone expects you to navigate through it every morning. because it is expected. as long as there is a ray of light, you get up, and it doesn't matter if by the end of your route, you are bleeding and sore because you stepped on too many poisonous shards, or that you hit your head on a tree that you did not see coming. or you were run over by a train because dear heavens, there was a train track? as long as you are breathing, by the end of the route, regardless of the gashing wounds and parched throats, you have to do it again, and again, until its too dark. oh the darkness, how you crave it. sometimes you fancy that you spy it, but then the blasted light at the end of the tunnel shines through...and you have to keep going.

this never ending cycle of light and foggy mist, makes you wonder if this is all there is to your life. 

natural lighting makes a good background for a beautiful picture. but the shades in your life are not backgrounds. everything else is. to be so consumed by this battle that is; should i step into the fog again? is it time for darkness yet? that you forget that there are people on the sidelines cheering you on. pushing you, drawing you into that everlasting light that you only get rays of it seems.

"today was a bad day" she says, she didnt turn in her work on time and got chewed and spit out. but its okay, she calls the love of her life and a joke is shared and the dementors are no more.

"today is a bad day" you say, because you woke up and that knot in your stomach has grown in size, because its monday, the world of the living calls out to you, and you swallow that lump in your throat when you can't decide whether to have muesli or bran for breakfast, but it doesnt matter anyway because you hate them both, but its monday, you cant have pancakes on monday. and the dementors swoop in and you spend your day thinking of a patronus that you start to believe never existed in the first place. 

but as long as its not absolute darkness you have the damned muesli and you face the world....only its foggy, and the masses smell like dead people, and you know this because you went to see a friend at the funeral home, and it was like, 'oh, so thats the stench i have been having under my nose.'

you wonder if you smell like a corpse too. 

if only wishes came true, you wouldnt have to wonder.


for sammy

ta-ta darlings