oh wow, i got so many views on my last post :) who are these people reading my silly little posts? thank you all the same....i must warn you...this post is angst-filled...mentions of BPD, OCD, and just generally, mature content herein.
i am watching a video of Tom Felton :) i adore him really, and he is making me smile...i have very unhealthy fantasies about him.
...how do i start this post...a friend of mine asked me...let me try and quote
"why are you like this?'
and i stared at her, because i couldn't understand what she meant by that...why am i how? in the context of the convo...i had come from having a mental assessment test done on me. :/ i must say this now...if you are gonna judge me, and my petty little issues...you can leave now...another friend of mine called me an Oreo...black on the white side, white on the inside...and sometimes i don't blame him...because i really do have petty issues, that end up bugging the shite out of me...maybe its because of where, and how i grew up...the urge, the need to leave that world, to be in a better world, and the exposure to so many books. i wish i was ignorant sometimes. i look at random women on the streets, my cousins, and i wonder if i would have as many issues if i were them than i do now...and yes, i know, the grass always seem greener on the other side of the fence.
...i do blame some if not all of my issues on myself. my doctor said i am a perfectionist. a title my sister would gladly wear a crown for....she nit picks on details i find useless...i nit pick on details in my head until i am close to breaking...then never actually doing it. and even with recognizing this, i cannot change. its just how i am...my head, creates roadblocks...sometimes i think, that if i were to ever lose my memories, i would be unable to gain the back, because my mind will not move away from the boulder written 'MEMORY LOSS' in my head. i will see nothing but those words, hear nothing but those words. but, at times...random memories pop into my head...and gods i wish they were the good memories..but they never are...and i talked to a friend about this particular memory, because it was killing me inside..and because i was told..."Lola, friends are there to listen and talk to you, you should try and open up" and not for the first time, i spit on these words. because my issues always leave my friends not knowing what to do...or maybe its this particular friend. i love him, you know, but we are too alike in that, we never know what to say...whereas, i am very eloquent on paper, and will fill your screen with nonsense that would make sense to you, i can never do face time...i don't know whats wrong...when asked to talk face to face...i become dumb. my voice disappears, and i find that my tongue decided to wear a sweater....but all the while, in my head...i am screaming out my issues...but i am just staring at you...willing you to read my mind...my friend...he is the exact opposite...i taught him how to give hugs :) and he is now one of the best huggers out there, just like clubbing, i dont do social hugging...or touching for that matter..so dear stranger...dont fucking hug me cause you know everyone i am hanging out with. so anyway...this friend, never knows how to reply to texts...im sure if i called, he would talk...but i dont know how to talk...and its an utter mess isnt it.
i forget what i was talking abut...again..i need to go, i need to get to work..i hate it...i hate the girls i work with, because i envy them...i am a student...they have security...they buy me lunch, and ice cream, because its not enough that they are overweight, i have to be over weight too. again. and you cant tell strangers...dont buy me a plate of that...lemme have my non fat coffee...then two hours later...when they buy icecream...ask for another coffee...you just accept and try not to dwell on how your stomach rolls.
...im my facebook...and possibly my mainstream twitter account....maybe tomorrow...if this feeling...this feeling that cripples me...because of a stupid memory doesnt go away...my brain needs a fucking break...euthanasia anyone?
its been awhile since i flatlined...and this calls for a packet of cigarettes on the beach, a floppy hat, sunglasses, and brightly coloured nails. ta
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