This is a shitty post...but my step daddy passed away yesterday morning, at around four a.m.. he had been hospitalized for renal failure. he was more of a father than my real father is to me...we didn't stay with him, he was my mum's first husband...they divorced along time ago...when my sister and brothers were just teenagers...but he would call me, and ask me how am doing, he would insist i go along when my sister went to visit him, he would introduce me as his daughter to people. i can honestly say that he is the first person, whose death has made me cry. seeing my sister break down, and my older brother shudder with every breath has to be the hardest thing i have ever seen. yesterday went by in a blur. again, there was that feeling of not belonging, you know, he was not my real my father, i have never lived with him, so i am still not sure to which extent i am allowed to grieve. when i was younger, my baby brother's dad used to stay with us....and i would slip and call him dad, and my sister would say, 'he is not your father' and i would be reminded constantly that he is not my father by my cousins, but he didn't mind, still though, i have never forgotten that. when he passed away, i was seven or something, and i didn't cry, because i didn't understand grief at the time, and one of my cousins said, that i was not crying because he was not my father. i don't know. i so badly wanted to be his daughter. he was handsome, and kind, and strong, and he would make my ma so happy. the final nail to this metaphorical coffin that is my attachment issue was during his funeral...and all his nieces, nephews, sisters, uncles, in short all his blood relatives had lovely black outfits, and stood at the front when his casket was being lowered to the ground...never have i felt so alone in my blue dress and white ribbons...if there was any doubt that i was not related to that wonderful man...it was confirmed that day. which brings me to the present...i don't know how to act...i feel guilty when someone gives me their condolences in an uncomfortable hug, because i do not deserve them, i came along after his m,marriage to my mother was over. it didn't stop me from crying when i went to see his body, because he was as i remember him, with his stubble, and almost smile, he was peaceful in his death, he was sleeping, and my mum stroked his cheek and broke down a little, and my sister asked her daddy to wake up, and my older brother walked out crying...and my other brother texted me asking to confirm if its true his dad has passed on...this is what it feels like when someone you know dies...i had never experienced it, now i have...and the mood at home is somber, with brave smiles, and awkward jokes...and i cant sit with them, because i do not belong...my pain, is nothing compared to what my mum, who has lost someone she loved, my sister and brothers, who have lost a father they loved dearly...must feel...and i don't think i will ever feel the pain of loosing a father, because mine is a stranger. ciao
...also..well i guess you know i am a girl