fashion therapy

oh boohoo...this week is utter crap...after the horrid news on Saturday, i also got last semester results...and i cannot believe i am failing almost all my classes, and the ones i am NOT failing, i have a C..gah. i know i have had a tough past two years, what with the depression and my eating disorder getting out of hand, but i cannot believe i am flunking Law School. it is NOT acceptable, especially when you factor in the fact that i had a huge falling out with my family when i decided to go to law school instead of Medicine. bleh. so anyway, i had CAT yesterday, and another one today, and because i am not ready for them- i dont have notes, i dont really know how or why i dont have notes, but i dont. so i played the my dad just passed card and got out of doing the CATs however, one of my lecturers wants me to do it tomorrow. i told her i travelled. i am so bad, and i feel slightly guilty but to be honest i am not ready for anything less than an A this semester.

....so yesterday, i ended up watching fashion TV to unwind...that is bad news for me...it has the worse triggers...seeing all those frail sexy, distant models, with their jutting hipbones and thigh gaps...is she not so lovely??
...going on...it being 15th year anniversary for fashion tv...they had like, a list of the top ten models of fall 2012....ooh it was so good for me...and maybe that little disordered bit of my mind fed hungrily on these beauties whose bodies are perfection...i wont give you all their names...but you can imagine the names that were on it...Lui, Gesele, Tyra...etc..etc...i was hoping to see Miranda Kerr...but she was not on it...serves her right for getting hitched to the most adorable man on earth and whatnot...

Ofcourse Eva was going to catch my eye...beautiful, sexy, scandalous Eva Herzigova...she is the epitome of all that is randy.  i hope the pictures will post where i want them too...tell me she does not make you a little bit randy.. ;)

she is one of those models with blatant sexual appeal...she is on the runaway, and she pouts...and she smirks, and she laughs...when she gets a pantyhose mishap, she giggles, and winks and fixes her braces..who else does that..most of these girls, have this unattainable look..which is, for all intent and purposes quite appealing in itself...but here struts in Eva, with her red lipstick on and cigarette...and when you want to buy that piece she is modelling...you think...i am going to look so fucking sexy in it...and you consider taking up smoking just to get the Eva look...see what she did there...she sold the lingerie, the cigarette brand AND the lipstick..*applauds*


Oh gods, the worst thing happened..there was a blackout..haha...and i was so pissed thinking i had lost this..*sniff*
..but i dont wanna try my luck....

so my second favourite fashion model...Lily Cole...tell me you dont adore this face. she has that rare red hair, blue eyes and porcelein skin thing going on...and she is so petite and fragile looking...they even used her as the Queen of the fairies in Midsummer's Night Dream painting...
while Eva is erotic, sexual and all that is sex...Lily is sweet, wholesome, and you can just imagine her in church..

but i also love how she can embody envy, disdain, evil...here...
she has been working with Marilyn manson on a movie...when i saw the pictures i just died of something between excitement and terror...please tell me you see her in shackles and leather underwear..i do..

also...i think the most contributing factor to my Lily Cole adoration is that one of my closest friends has done a shoot with her...i wont do any name dropping ;) but this friend of mine totally fell inlove with her..maybe its because we both have a thing for red heads...but she had changed her hair colour then. brr...i hate it...i prefer her red locks.she doesnt look bad...but i am terribly partial to her locks..


i wanna go on and on and on about everyone else i saw...maybe next time i will do designers...more than two perhaps...who knows, i gotta go though while am a head..i really don't want to strain my luck...if i don't post this, i will be in a terrible mood...might be off to watch more fashion tv. ciao

This is a shitty post...but my step daddy passed away yesterday morning, at around four a.m.. he had been hospitalized for renal failure. he was more of a father than my real father is to me...we didn't stay with him, he was my mum's first husband...they divorced along time ago...when my sister and brothers were just teenagers...but he would call me, and ask me how am doing, he would insist i go along when my sister went to visit him, he would introduce me as his daughter to people. i can honestly say that he is the first person, whose death has made me cry. seeing my sister break down, and my older brother shudder with every breath has to be the hardest thing i have ever seen. yesterday went by in a blur. again, there was that feeling of not belonging, you know, he was not my real my father, i have never lived with him, so i am still not sure to which extent i am allowed to grieve. when i was younger, my baby brother's dad used to stay with us....and i would slip and call him dad, and my sister would say, 'he is not your father' and i would be reminded constantly that he is not my father by my cousins, but he didn't mind, still though, i have never forgotten that. when he passed away, i was seven or something, and i didn't cry, because i didn't understand grief at the time, and one of my cousins said, that i was not crying because he was not my father. i don't know. i so badly wanted to be his daughter. he was handsome, and kind, and strong, and he would make my ma so happy. the final nail to this metaphorical coffin that is my attachment issue was during his funeral...and all his nieces, nephews, sisters, uncles, in short all his blood relatives had lovely black outfits, and stood at the front when his casket was being lowered to the ground...never have i felt so alone in my blue dress and white ribbons...if there was any doubt that i was not related to that wonderful man...it was confirmed that day. which brings me to the present...i don't know how to act...i feel guilty when someone gives me their condolences in an uncomfortable hug, because i do not deserve them, i came along after his m,marriage to my mother was over. it didn't stop me from crying when i went to see his body, because he was as i remember him, with his stubble, and almost smile, he was peaceful in his death, he was sleeping, and my mum stroked his cheek and broke down a little, and my sister asked her daddy to wake up, and my older brother walked out crying...and my other brother texted me asking to confirm if its true his dad has passed on...this is what it feels like when someone you know dies...i had never experienced it, now i have...and the mood at home is somber, with brave smiles, and awkward jokes...and i cant sit with them, because i do not belong...my pain, is nothing compared to what my mum, who has lost someone she loved, my sister and brothers, who have lost a father they loved dearly...must feel...and i don't think i will ever feel the pain of loosing a father, because mine is a stranger. ciao
...also..well i guess you know i am a girl

of obstinate computers and nonsensical posts

well, i cannot fail to bring this log up and running...i have had various posts in my head, but my laziness is something out of this world really....i am self acclaimed ruler of the world that is procrastination..not to menion that i am technologically challenged at the moment; my computer crashed and i am reduced to using the school computers which apparently have something against grammar, if you look at the amount of typos i keep having to fix. but no matter...i shall grace you with a little nonsensical post.....aaah wop am i kidding...i cant do this!!! await a post...perhaps poetry...or some emo crap.tata
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